Wednesday, December 21, 2016

I never thought I'd realize how much I could miss the sun. No fan of hot weather desert parties, beaches, or anything much above 80 degrees. Tonight is Solstice, the darkest night of the year. We've made it this far and it's not been to bad. It snowed all day. For a moment the skies and earth all turned a spring pale pink like rose'd flush skin. That was the last minute of day light.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Are we too afraid to do anything?

Or are they not afraid to do anything?

Midnight Sessions

There are those moments where you realize where you are. The oil paintings are released from their prisons and surround around us. The mountains aren’t so far away anymore. We feel not so far away from each other, despite the the tress encompassed in every direction before the nearest town. We entertain ourselves. Things to take up the time. Charades until sometime in the morning. No sleeping just because it’s cold. There are the large rivers that winter can’t stop. No matter the river it’s never stronger than the salmon on its way home.

One of our new favorite songs plays in the background. You are living in the middle of Alaska during winter. It doesn’t feel as vacant as it appears before true sight. Only far away lessons of gold mines lost in inversiouness sight. The pits of the caves reach too deep beyond sight. A reflection of a show-side gimmick resort nestles at the very end of a long windy road. The fact that even wifi exists here at all is an anomaly to few. This anomaly is often not thought or or taken advantage of by most of the paying crew. But that wifi is what we all rely on to maintain our connections with all the places except here. The rest of Alaska seems far from here. Alaska seems far from the country it belongs to. Far from the whole world. It’s a place where winter shuts you in. The mind becomes a telescope as distant between here and there grows as wide as can be; hoping that continents might crack.

Summer rages in summer knowing no bounds. But we should only sleep when the day is done. Then so it does up here. The light falls and everything besides the land has to continue on. The light of the moon shines bright again from early in the four o’clock nightfall, then again in the late ten o’clock morning dawn. Time balances itself. Always.

Then finally I see it is time to die down. Lets the winter fall in. The sun always rises again.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

30 Days of Reflection - December 11th

 How does my living space reflect my inner world?

Doing seasonal work has caused me to think about how I make my room a home. A room that's been a home to many others in the past. A room that will continue to be a home to others in the future. A room with four walls and a ceiling, and if you're lucky some furniture to put your clothes in and to put your computer on.

I pack my tapestries up small, my blankets from home up tight, and my laptop with all my photos, music, and memories with me. I bring my small stones and knickknacks that don't take up much space with me wherever I go. I always bring my journals and my few small books.

These are the things that bring me home wherever I am.

30 Days of Reflection - December 10th

What vulnerabilities am I afraid to share with others who love me?

I'm afraid to ask for help. 
I'm afraid to say I'm hurt. 
I pretend I'm totally independent and need nothing from others.
I'm afraid to show I'm upset.
I'm even more afraid to say I'm upset.
I act like people can just come and go into my life and I don't miss their presence.  
I'm afraid to be honest about my insecurities. 
I'm afraid to let people too closely in. 
I put out that everything is always alright. 
I'm afraid to say it's not. 
I'm afraid to ask for a hug. 
I'm afraid because I've seen so many people come and go. 
Attachment has only left me with painful memories. 

I am okay with this. I'm okay having my guard up on top of my walls.
The people that make their way past it usually end up being the ones who needed to be let in. 

30 Days of Reflection - December 9th

How am I making choices based on “I should” rather than “I desire”?

There are a lot of things I feel like I 'should' do. There are things I feel like I definitely 'shouldn't' do, but do anyway. My desires are completely different.

I am a very impulsive, emotionally driven, and reactive person. I have a difficulty thinking through the consequences of my actions before acting. If I do think about it and don't like what the possible outcomes could be I usually just crack a beer or light up about it and just ignore those consequences and do them anyway.

My desires though... They're something completely different. My desires are my goals and my dreams. I desire things that call for me to change the things I 'shouldn't' be doing into things I should be doing. I know what I desire. It just takes time to get myself to the point of making it happen.

I continue to be my biggest road block. 

30 Days of Reflection - December 8th

How am I living outside of my integrity and out-of-alignment with my values?

Once again I've gone awry and gotten a few days behind on my commitment to 30 Days of Reflection writing, which goes well with this question. 

I know I wobble in and out of alignment with myself on a daily basis. As if my life is the scale that is never in balance. Add too much to one side and I plummet down one way, try to add more to the other side? I end up not adding enough or too much and end up with the same predicament on the other side.

It's hard up here in Alaska and with my work. My schedule changes almost on a daily basis. I'll work nights for three days, one morning shift, then nights again for two. The following week I'll get switched to morning for two days, nights for two days, then another morning shift before my weekend comes. By the time my weekend comes all I want to do is try and catch up on sleep and spend half the day just doing that.

I value effort and getting tasks done during the day that need to be done and I'm having a hard time committing to those values up here. It's always dark, it's cold, and it's only going to get colder and darker. I know I can make it through, I just need to do it without being a total lazy slug and gaining ten or fifteen pounds.

I need to be okay with saying 'no' to being around people. I need to say yes to being with myself for awhile and living like I was alone. Even though I'm up here living in Alaska alone, seasonal work never really makes you feel like you're alone because you're always transitioning into new communities, living in them, and meeting new people constantly.

I need to be alone. I need to do the work I came here to do which requires for me to shut myself in. To hibernate like the bears.  

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

30 Days of Writing - December 7th

What are 3 things I would like for my next birthday as a gift? 

My birthday was just in October. It's weird to be thinking of turning twenty-four in 2017. I feel like I just turned nineteen the other week. I guess I never believed anybody when they said that they older you get the quicker that time flies by. I'm feeling that now.

Birthdays have been weird for me the last few years. I don't really enjoy them all too much since I returned home from India in late summer of 2015. I still miss it everyday... A day doesn't go by that I don't see the scenery of the misty jungle mountains of Kerala's tea fields. I remember riding on the back of old motorbikes through the highways that rounded through the tall mountains of the Himalayas in the north. I see it every day.

My goal is to be back there for my next birthday, or soon after it, but even further north. I want to be in Nepal. I want to go even further into the mountains this time. I want to go to the lands of Shiva and to the head of the Ganga. I want to taste the food and meet the people. See the base of Everest. I want to go to the home I haven't been to yet.

That is the only thing I want.

30 Days of Reflection - December 6th

Where in my daily life do I need to delegate? 

I need to constantly write down my goals and aspirations so that they come true.

I need to delegate time to writing, always. Striving to write more reflective journals, obsessively writing down my tasks for the day, and always... always writing down my dreams for the future.

Along with this and strict perseverance I can make anything happen.

30 Days of Reflection - December 5th

What is going to attempt to throw me through a loop this month? What can I do about it? 

Seeing as I'm a few days behind on this I feel like this is a great reflection.

I throw myself through loops daily. I get caught up and stuck in my head, back myself into a corner mentally, and then fight myself to get out of it. I've been doing very well at staying on the path I'm trying to walk on.

I stress out over the littlest of things. This month I'm anxious about not being home for the holidays for the first time ever in my new 'young adult' life. I'm anxious about staying healthy, working out, and keeping busy as it gets colder and darker through the winter. I'm worried I'm not saving enough money, that my goals are constantly getting pushed farther and farther away into the distant future.

The only thing I can do about it is to not the dark side of myself drag me down. I am my biggest enemy and the only reason I won't succeed. I need to stay firm in my convictions. I need to constantly pursue my goals with integrity and commitment. I need to focus on what is important to me.

I will not be my biggest downfall.

Monday, December 5, 2016

30 Days of Reflection - December 4th

What is one thing I can do today that would promote a gentle and quite spirit in me?

The last few days I've been working on just this. I've been trying to get back to myself. I am quite, calm, content, and connected. I'm a person who is in touch with my mental state standing and my physical well-being.

Sometimes I get off track. I go on auto-pilot. It's usually anxiety induced and I feel as if days from my week are taken from me. Then just like a light switch in my head I click back into myself and see how far off the path I've gotten.

I start writing again, I start moving again, I start being aware of my breathe again.

And that's what I have to continue to do.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

30 Days of Reflection - December 3rd

How can I best order my day today to get done what I need to do?

It's hard staying organized when you live in a seasonal work environment. My work schedule never stays the same for more than a week and with that my sleep schedule changes along with that. There is nothing I would like more than to stay on a regular sleep schedule. The days of the week don't matter, my days off don't matter, I could work every day, and all I would need it to have a regular sleep schedule.

With that in mind I do try to schedule my days, but it is difficult for those just stated reasons. I try and write my 'to-do' list down but then mentally procrastinate it most days. I guess persistence is the only thing that can keep me going... I need to decide what is actually important to me. Write it down.

Stick to it. Write it down. Stick to it. Write it down. Stick to it.

I have to wake up when I need to get the things done. There is no good an extra thirty minutes of sleep will give me except more weariness through the day for I have to once against disrupt the start of my deep sleep cycle. It's like waking up from a hard sound hour long nap which is worse than waking up after six hours of solid rest.

Write it down. Stick to it.

I need to move my body around as much as possible. The winter makes me sore. The cold makes my hips tight, my ankles pop, and my shoulders restless. I need to stretch and I need to not postpone my stretching. I need to stretch in the morning and stretch at night before bed. And sometime in between I need to move, to run, or walk, to lunge, to plank, anything. I need to keep my body active during these cold months. I don't move around terribly much at work so I must do it outside of it. I need to keep my body active to keep my mind from wandering. Focus on my moving body rather than my lack of not being able to move in my life. Running towards my goals while staying in place is difficult, stressful, anxious, but can be done.

Stick to it. Write it down. Stick to it. Write it down. Stick to it. Write it down. Write it down. Stick to it.

Above all, try my best each day. Then try again tomorrow to do better.

Friday, December 2, 2016

30 Days of Reflection - December 2nd

If time froze for one hour for everyone but me what would I do with it? 

This is a hard and interesting question for me. At first thought my first reaction to this was to simply say 'nothing, I wouldn't like it.' It would probably freak me out for the first few, but as long as I knew that humanity was coming back to life I feel like I would try to take advantage of it.

A part of me with no moral conduct wants to say I'd rob a bank or go take a bunch of stuff from the mall that I would normally never buy myself, but I don't think that's realistic of me or right. Also, there isn't many things from a mall I want these days.

Living in Alaska is like living 'out of time' in a way. It felt similar while I was in India too. Being from The United States I'm referring to American time here. Every time I'm gone from my home town and come back it's like I've been removed from the towns timeline, everything seems the same, but oddly off set and not correct. Living in Alaska forces me to be content in solitude and quietness. I do my own thing and hangout alone very often. I like it that way, but like hanging out with others off and on, it just depends on the day and the groups around me. So I honestly don't know how I would react if time actually stood still for an hour.

I think I would just go on with my day as I normally would.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

30 Days of Reflection - December 1st 2016

I've been having a hard time writing lately. Nothing comes to mind, ever. So I found some prompts for the month and since it's the 1st of December I thought I would be the best time to start at the beginning of the month. I haven't been able to reflect on anything that's happened in the last long while of my life. It always feel

Today's reflection: What is one thing I could do this month to improve my spiritual walk?

I've been feeling really disconnected with myself for awhile now. I can't pinpoint a date, or a month, but looking back I know it started somewhere over the summer. I had a great summer. It was truly amazing, life changing, and beautiful. However I'm realizing that moving to Alaska has had it's pros and cons. While it's been amazing to be constantly surrounded by nature, immersed in tall trees, and always on the lookout for moose or bears (except bears are hibernating for winter currently). I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the United States right now, now where else at all.

But I've strayed from the path that originally brought me here.

I came to Alaska in effort to save money to go out of the country for a long period of time, to Nepal. To go away for at least six months or more then maybe spend some time in India again. I came to Alaska to work on myself, find my clear healthy mind, and strive to get my body into decent shape for all the mountains I've yet to climb. The trail that brought me to Alaska leads to that end goal, but I've taken a few detours off on side paths and barely visible game trails. They've led me to new people who have been strange and damaging, and to people bright and who's memories will shine through my lifetime in my memory. I've been led to small town bars and middle of no where saloons; all of which have been filled with overly copious amounts of freshly brewed or cheap cans of beer, and always whiskey by the end of the night. I would wake up and realize how far gone off my path I was, but the sun never slept. I was taking full advantage of my midnight sun in my Alaskan summer.

I've found myself at the tops of mountain valleys wallowing with mountain dall sheep for hours. In the middle of the woods with not even a chirp of a bird to echo over head. These were the moments when I could see the path I came in on not far off in the distance. The mountains gave me vantage point and the woods always lead me back to my original trail.

It's Alaskan winter now. My Alaskan winter now. I need to focus my mind, body, and soul on my original goals and walk firmly on the path that brought me here so I can walk out onto the trails that lead me home; to the next adventures in Nepal. I will be in Nepal by this time next year. I promise.

To achieve that I'm going to write it down every day. I'm going to take time for myself. Read, write, breathe, exercise, yoga, sleep, and do what I know needs to be done.

I will.